I suppose this is an open ended question, but just asking, what does it mean?

for me to be emotionally/intellectually attracted to a man who is so different from other people that he is tragically ****** up...and that's why I like him, because I can relate to how he sees himself and how he feels...alienated from other people because I am different. and I think that's why I think about him, because he's a total weirdo. But being a weirdo also has it pitfalls. I try to fit in sometimes, as most people do, and I do want to be a part of mainstream peopledom, so I guess what I'm really fighting are the competing societal forces of belonging to the group and being an outcast, because he represents for me the "other", or people who don't theoretically belong to the group in power.